Adobo Happy Couple

Pork Adobo with risotto "Happy Couple" specially made for my friend Kate who came from Barcelona

lonely joy

Kitchen was always one of my favorite places. I love cooking, I love inventing and decorating, and then give some weird names to my dishes. After a couple of days of being depressed I decided to cook something for lunch. Instead of doing some packing as I need to move out from this apartment and go on a little journey of soul searching, i went to super market and got some stuff. Anyway a friend of mine is flying in from Barcelona to keep my company this weekend.
So here we go!The first one I called "Spring is behind the corner": rockets, with cous cous, red beans, peas topped up with prosciutto crudo! Amazing taste!

Then I was still feeling hungry, and decided to make something quick. Chicken bites lightly fried in oyster sauce on rockets with red beans and peas. This little art I called Lonely Joy.

...

LOVE

I wanna say it out loud but my brain numbs. May be if I cried it out, spit it out i wouldnt feel that empty. They say rebound helps. No it does not. Being with someone who smells different, who kisses different is painful. I hate to hate as much as I love. I hate being able to hate. I hate that there are so much hate in one paragraph. What if i could turn time back, what if could say something different, what if i could be just able to start everything from the beginning. I was walking home talking to God. I never got any answers, always simple monolog, left with decision making process one on one. Why do we love someone who loves to brake our heart? Why even understanding things we can’t change the way we perceive them? There is certain amount of tears for each person. Remember, when a friend of mine died i was crying the whole day, mixed it with some alcohol as it was shock. But then was a moment when I just could not anymore. I felt guilty and a bit ashamed. I was pushing myself to cry. The most weird, now i don’t remember that pain. Guess, our brain has a blocking function. So basically I know that one day this pain will be forgotten, so I can slow down on torturing myself. May be its a Scorpios’ thing, to burn till the end to be reborn from ashes. And to that someone special to me, I want to wish at least once in a lifetime to feel what i have felt: simply love.

It happens to everyone: night out, loads of champagne, ups go to deep downs, messages to ex, depressed status on fb and finally black out. Wake up thought: where did I forget my brain?! Why is it possible to leave our brain at home, but i cannot open the freezer and put my feelings there? For God's sake, why can’t I bring my heart somewhere to cemetery and leave it there? You get what I mean, right? For some strange reason since I was a little boy I loved cemeteries. Already 18 years later a monk told me I was a hermit in my previous life. True or false does not matter now. I do love cemeteries and a feeling of being in complete serene there. 

Apperetivo slowly went into dinner followed by double vodka ice in some trashy interiors, messages, gloomy thoughts and black out. Believe me it happens really rare to me, as I am not really a club scene lover, more like a eat-watch-sleep. Yesterday I gave myself a little bit of a credit. Morning rain woke me up, though it was pretty dark. may be of half closed shutters or grey sky. Decided to take a walk. I knew I live just 10 minutes away from the cemetery, but never had a chance to go in. “Perfect timing”- i convinced  myself. I went there just to be alone with my thoughts, and to leave them there. Adele with turning tables in my earphones were a perfect company! While I was walking around, i completely forgot about myself, i was so touched, really deeply touched by this peaceful museum under open sky. You can really feel so many emotions left at this place. I am not talking about sadness and grief now. More like about respect to the routes and the past. I am russian person, I love my country, but I never understood eating at the cemetery and having drinks there. Though empty cemeteries in USA say about lack of emotions, or gap in relationship between people. I just express my personal opinion, I don’t want to offend anyone. Today i left the place full of emotions really positive ones. Strange: going to the place where everything seems full of tears, and leave it inspired. Well, call me freak if you want. I don’t mind being abnormal! As Kelly Cutrone says: “Normal gets you nowhere”. Totally agree!

Have a great day and don’t get sick! Its really nasty weather out there!

Angel...

Where is my angel? I keep on calling him, but guess his flight was really delayed! Angel where are you?! Tell me where to send the tickets? This year is almost gone. Can you erase my sadness? I am so looking forward to step into the new. Can you hold my hand? I miss those days. I miss you!

was doing snaps for kate on d balcony)

here she is:

ya stolko raz vlublyalyalsya v tvou ulibku,
v tvoi smeh,
tvoi glaza nemnogo priwurinnie hitrie..
vse vremya boyalsya pokazat eto,
no vse vokrug znali-eto bilo nevozmojno skrit.
ya lublu tebya, i mne vse ravno naskolko eto vzaimno.
kogda ti smotrish na menya tak kak seichas
vse v etom mire uje ne vajno...

how shall i know?

what to do when you feel like everything is falling apart? when you knock on the door and no one opens, you run to another level, but still is the same. what to do when you feel like there is nothing you can change? Moreover when everything is happening in d same time. Relationship you have been trying to work on seemed to be so down and over, personal satisfaction is below zero... and when u almost see the light somewhere there on the other side its just a reflection of you desires and hopes, but not real.

what shall i do?! I have so many questions but i have no one to ask, or even if i asked, there is only one person to make decisions- me...  I  feel  completely broken now. I know tomorrow another day will come and everything will be different.. but not the same.. not the same..

pics from amFar

Was an amazing night.. Loved! Yeah kinda late posting pics from it.

step...

Sometimes things are not the way we want. Sometimes love is not enough. Often there are other ingredients must have. Where do I take those? It is difficult to turn a page, and guess I am not ready yet.  Sometimes we have to let it go, to realize how much we love. What if I do not see this future clear?
I promised myself to be sad only 10 minutes a day. I am done with melancholic music in my house, and grey moody thoughts. I need to find a way to enjoy being lonely and being alone. There is always another day, another way... I am sure there is a right solution. And for now... its been 9 minutes i was sad... I am logging out and put my happy smile on my face..


I will always love u..

another +1

I am another +1. This year I spent my birthday away from parties and loud places with my parents and my nephew on the south of Thailand. For sure I made a 2 days run shopping in Hong Kong and managed to squeeze dinner in Singapore on my way back. Was really terrific to get away from first cold weeks in Italy. As always've been thinking of my achievements and who i am, what i am and where i am. As always got depressed of that i am too far away from where I want to be. Well, but in d same time, if I had everything now, what would I dream of?!

like in tat joke:

-u have a dream?
-yeah, wanna quit drinking.
-then quit!
-dude! how am i gonna live without dream then?!

I will be always in love with this divine and absolutely carrying me away view

 On the top of the world.. felt cold but kinda comfy! haha

 Amazing to wake up every morning and see this beauty around..

I just love this picture...My little angel knows how to use Ipad and use skype. He dials his dad by himself.. And he is not even 2.. 

One of my fav beaches.. where i can concentrate on anything.. i just .. relax my brain.. completely! haha

PS' Hmmm.. Completely forgot to make any pics of me at my birthday lunch with parents! And for the record it was an alcohol free lunch and whole vac!

florence

This city is all about love, it is full of sad lonely vibes, of broken hearts.. I will be frank with you, I am not a big fan of museums, once i will be old, i will go and visit everything. Now I love traveling, and have my own routes. Usually I love being alone once I walk around a new place, with my music. Florence ... The way i saw it.. I saw it really gloomy and full of tears, kinda a place of escape to be alone and lonely. I would love to be there with someone I love, but there is always but in my life.. or as i said seemed to be the only one word.. It was drizzling and cold. Autumn has finally come to Italy! I was craving for it.  I did not have much time, otherwise i would sit somewhere between the bridges with my notebook, draw and dream..

on my mind...

Things on my mind now..

1.Bus Number 16 from Orchard to Indoor Stadium. If I took it now, I would have been crying all the way. Too much nice memories.

2. Bangkok Street Dumplings especially in Ari BTS. Oh my, the best, especially yellow with soya sauce.

3. Kamal Beach, Phuket. Lazy day under the sun is what i need now.

4. Twelve hours flight. I want to switch off my phone for so long and stay quiet. 

5. Breakfast with parents! I love when mom cooks! so love!

6. My little nephew!This little angel is always on my mind.

7. Anna Carolina songs. Its on now and i cant stop listening to her. Luv!

i fell in love with this shop...

does it make any sense?!

I guess it is different for everyone, but i need to be in love to feel alive, to be able to smile. It does not really matter what or who to be in love with.. Everyday I am trying to fall in love with something/someone. I wish I could control my emotions.. Well, I can, its just matter of time, but quite  often i just let it go. I can easily fall for smile, for a manner holding a cigarette or way of talking.. Recently I noticed myself looking up at the sky and saying 'thank you for my life"... i really full of amazing and positive emotions inside me. Sometimes I am scared of how happy i can be.. am I in love?! ...

Sometimes I wanna say enough enough, i cannot get everything right now. What if this amount of happiness was prepared for the whole year, and I used it all right now...? Does it make any sense?!